Walking alongside children and telling the truth
Book Club: ATGIB Chs 36-41
Hi friends,
Well, it’s been a minute! We are now officially stateside and in Kansas City. Over the last week we’ve been making our way through four states to visit family en route to our final destination where we finally arrived last night. It’s been a long time coming and we’re glad to be in one place for a little while. We are in a temporary apartment until ours is available mid-September.
We had such a meaningful last few weeks in Cambridge, and I’m glad I gave myself permission to be fully present to them. They were far from perfect, but they were good and needed. I was sad to miss time here, and I had a sense you all understood. You all have been the most brilliant ‘soft opening’ group I could have hoped for. Thank you. ❤️
I’ve had to really internalize and apply what I’ve said from the beginning: there’s no hustle required. I didn’t anticipate an international move when I started Viriditas, and while I struggle with perfectionism and not doing exactly what I set out to do, I am proud of myself for sticking with it even if on a slightly delayed timeline. Plus, I’ve learned from the experience how I want to proceed with the monthly format and what measures I need to put in place to protect my time for creating and writing here.
How are each of you? What’s been hard this summer, and what are you proud of in the midst? You’re very welcome to leave a comment or to reply directly to this email. I’d love to catch up.
Here’s the schedule we’ll follow for the remaining chapters of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, plus the date for a LIVE CHAT in the comment section. During the chat we can discuss all things children’s spirituality and any spoiler free reflections of the book and Francie. I hope that by providing a spoiler-free zone, anyone can participate regardless of how much of the book you’ve read. I really hope you can make it! (If anyone would like to talk about specific events in the book maybe we can do this toward the end to give others time to leave if required. xx)
Today’s content: Chapters 36-41
August 18: Chs 42-49
Saturday August 28: Chs 50-54 with LIVE CHAT from 3-4pm CST
(9-10pm BST, 8-9am NZST, 1-2pm PST)
Alright, now that’s sorted, let’s dive into Chs 36-41. There’s so much here, and I’m sure we all noticed and reflected on different aspects. As ever, I’m eager to hear what you connected with and maybe what questions you have about Francie’s spiritual development during this pivotal time.
It appears on the surface that all shadow of childhood things are now gone from Francie’s life. She’s experienced the death of her father and the birth of her sister in these chapters, and it’s undeniable that these have had a major impact on her spirituality. We are given into a window into her developing sense of self, others, the world, and God in these chapters. Throughout the book I’ve been struck by Francie’s own self awareness and how she is constantly trying to make sense of what she hears and observes and how these compare and contrast to her own beliefs about things.
I felt such pride in and for Francie when she processed the encounter with her teacher and decided that the ‘truth’ Miss Gardner professed was not the ‘truth’ in which Francie believed. There is an element of heartbreak that a child so young has already been disenchanted with the world to the degree Francie has, and there is beauty in her ability to take what she needs and reframe the rest. When she threw her ‘A’ compositions in the fire and said ‘I am burning ugliness. I am burning ugliness,’ I wanted to give her a standing ovation! What strength of character.
Personally I have always struggled with the idea that my lovability and worthiness is somehow measured by my perfection, my A-level compositions as it were. I’ve explored this and tried to unpack it in my work and relationships, and I’m only just recently doing this in regards to my own spiritual development. I wonder… how does my aspiration of perfection and my reliance on others’ praise and criticism impact my connection to God and the world around me? It’s an ongoing question. I feel so happy that Francie is doing the work of breaking down this idea and instead is considering the value she assigns to her own life and to her family. I wonder how and if this reframing will impact how Francie sees God, for better or worse.
Johnny’s death is truly heartbreaking, even when we saw it coming. I was drawn in as I read about Francie’s grief experiences and how these were shaped by others, like when they said people would think she didn’t think Johnny was a good Papa if she didn’t look at him in the coffin. I was really glad Francie and Neeley were at the funeral and were involved in the graveside ceremony where they dropped dirt into Papa’s grave.
It’s fairly common for children to be ‘protected’ from these rituals and from funerals, and you’ll hear a wealth of opinions and experiences if you ask people what they think. I am of the opinion that children need safe opportunities to experience and express their grief, as well as grasp something of the finality of death. When we keep children from these experiences, we remove the opportunity to model for them how we support one another through life’s difficulties and complexities. The corporate ritual of a funeral is usually a fitting place for this to happen. By design, it is meant for grief, mourning, and expressing how feel feel about what’s been lost. Many parents and caregivers are afraid this will be too much for their child to understand but with the right preparation, support, and aftercare (like Hannah mentioned in the last post), these rituals actually provide very safe containers for children to ask questions and express how they feel. And, we need not have all the answers for this safety to occur. We simply need to have a willingness to walk alongside them and tell the truth.
(If you have a child in your life and are concerned about attending funerals or preparing them for experiencing grief from death, I’d be very happy to share more and help if I can. My inbox is open ❤️)
In the midst of her grief, Francie is able to make meaning of her Papa’s absence in a way that seems to really help her. She says,
“…It must be that no one ever dies, really. Papa is gone, but he’s still here in many ways. He’s here in Neeley who looks just like him and in Mama who knew him so long. He’s here in his mother who began him and who is still living. Maybe I will have a boy some day who looks like Papa and has all of Papa’s good without the drinking. And that boy will have a boy. And that boy will have a boy. It might be there is no real death.”
Francie doesn’t seem to have some magical thinking about Johnny’s life and death, but she is making progress toward holding a view that will offer her comfort in the midst of her loss. There are certainly moments where her belief about his death are suspended and she enters into some magical thinking and wishing he would return, but if anything these reveal her acceptance of the truth of his death, not her denial of it. Over the course of the book we have grieved that Francie has had to grow up so quickly because of her circumstances, but this is one way where her maturity helps her navigate something very grown-up and very hard.
The final thing I’ll bring attention to is the prayer Francie prays when Katie is about to have the baby. She prays to God, saying she didn’t mean it when she said she didn’t believe in him. And yet, she continues to struggle with what she really believes about God and God’s involvement in her life. Can you blame her? Often when we experience trauma, stress, or sudden difficulty, people return to the theology of their childhood. I can remember a time that I bargained with God, even though in my head I don’t really believe that’s how it works. However my heart was desperate and my pain was severe, and I was willing to try anything. I definitely see this in Francie, and I’m trying to remain hopeful that she doesn’t give up on God just yet.
What about you? Consider this an invitation to share a three-pronged response if you’d like:
Share one thing you noticed - what’s a scene/conversation/event that you ‘observed’ and felt was meaningful for Francie?
Share one thing you wondered - what questions or curiosities came to mind as you read?
Share one thing you realized - In the reading of the chapters, this reflection, or others’ comments, what’s an ‘aha’ moment or something you learned in the experience? This could be something you already know that was confirmed for you, or something new you want to carry forward.
I’ll share more about this method of reflection in a future newsletter, but for now let’s gently practice using it! I’m curious to hear your thoughts, and I’ll take time today to catch up on comments in previous weeks’ posts too. And, you can always reply by email if you’d rather engage one to one with me.
And remember to save the date for the LIVE CHAT on Saturday August 28 from 3-4pm CST!
With gratitude for you all,
Janette xx
